awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
