Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
