Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
