I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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