Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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