Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
