remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
