he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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