I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
