standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There r osticjed everywhere
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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