Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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