Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
