So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
