you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
