i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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