I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
