I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
