Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
