you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
