I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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