ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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