so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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