dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
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When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
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In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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