yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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