The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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