dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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