I will die if light touches me.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
