How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
