Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
