Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
