apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
