I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
