My sheets look like a crime scene.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
