Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
