I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
