Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
