In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
