pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
