I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
