How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
