did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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