it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
