is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
