Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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