That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
