sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
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I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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