and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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