there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
