i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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