Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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