Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
