something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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