i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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