Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
