I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
