You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So here I am, sexting at work.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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