I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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