you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
